There was a time when I couldn't imagine growing old. 

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I had a hard time imagining myself far into the future, as though some part of me wasn't certain I would make it there. From where I stand today, I can clearly see there wasn't one reason for this. It was a tapestry of experiences woven together over many years. 

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I grew up in a Christian home where devotion was a felt experience… though without discernment.

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There was genuine beauty in my upbringing ~ community, reverence, and a desire to live a meaningful life. There were bigger questions, though… questions about myself, religion, and the world at large. 

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I learned to anticipate what others needed. I became capable, independent, and deeply attuned to the emotional landscapes around me.

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At a young age, I dove into making art and traveling the world, often selling my belongings and starting over somewhere new.

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I didn't come from money, and college wasn't something my parents were encouraging me towards. There wasn't a clear path laid out for me after high school, so I created my own. 

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For most of my 20's I lived in Europe, Hawaii, Australia, Bali, and eventually returned to California. Much of this happened during the years when many of my peers were away at college, earning degrees and beginning to build more conventional lives.

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I remember at 19 when I set off... I told my dad I booked a one way ticket to Switzerland with only $200 in my bank account (though I don't know if he knew that)! Some guy I had met through a friend, who seemed legit to me - had offered me a job in a restaurant. I was ready to adventure and see the world. My dad didn't see it that way and became extremely angry and protective. Rightly so, I don't blame him. It was scary, and yet I went for it.

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From the outside, much of my life looked exciting. And it was at times! ​Inside, though, I was wrestling with questions and inner states of loneliness. 

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Looking back, I do feel like I was testing my capacity for what I could handle and perhaps creating my own rites of passage through experience, uncertainty, and learning how to navigate the world on my own.

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It wasn't until my little brother's death by suicide in my late 20's that I really started down a path of deeper Awakening. 

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It was more than an interest in healing. I was beginning to question what I was doing here, what reality actually is, and what it means to be alive. I had always been interested in the Healing Arts from a young age. I took a massage training and I was very tuned into energy and even had some moments in my teens and twenties where I acutely remember feeling oneness with everything completely sober. But after my brother died, I was forced into a crisis of needing to heal, and that crisis opened a deep process of inquiry for me. 

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Little did I know that many more family members would pass by suicide in the decade to come. 

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And this is where my story goes a little deeper.

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Losing four immediate family members changed the course of my life.

 

Those losses left questions that could never be answered intellectually. They forced a deep existential inquiry that often felt overwhelming but also beautiful. Their passing invited me into  a grief that was relentless in its equal sorrow, joy  and inter-connection. It also awakened a deep curiosity about suffering, resilience, and what allows a human being to keep choosing life.

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For many painful years of torment, I wrestled with suicidal thoughts myself. I don't share that because it defines me. I share it because it created the compassion I have for the invisible burdens people experience. 

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I know what it feels like to smile on the outside while wondering if life will ever feel different. I know what it is to hope for relief without knowing where to find it. Or what to do. 

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So I searched. And what started as PTSD and survival, emerged as deep devotion to life and choosing it more fully than perhaps I wouldn’t have if these circumstances didn't occur. 

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I immersed myself in psychology, attachment theory, Hakomi Somatic Psychology, mindfulness, Internal Family Systems, grief work, contemplative practice, neuroscience, ecology, and the study of psychedelic medicines. I spent years sitting in ceremony, learning from teachers, wandering through forests and sacred sites, traveling in my van being nomadic, making mistakes, asking difficult questions, and discovering that some of life's deepest truths arrive through direct experience.

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Along the way, my relationship with myself and spirituality began to change.

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I became less interested in having answers and more interested in asking questions.

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What is underneath this fear? 

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I became devoted to beauty, slowness, inner-standing human and feminine cycles, kindness and humor. To finding moments of aliveness wherever I could. And savoring it! 

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Noticing how much being human is created by what we have lived through, what we have inherited, what we have been taught, and the ways our bodies have learned to navigate this complex world. And learning how to unwind, unlearn and begin again. 

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I am still discovering the places where I protect, adapt, brace, reach and retreat.

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And I am continually fascinated by what becomes possible when I/we meet these places with curiosity rather than trying to force them to change.

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This ongoing inquiry is at the heart of my work. And it's part of my dharma to share what I have learned. 

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Today, I support women like YOU who have built successful, meaningful lives and find yourself standing at a threshold. 

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Perhaps a relationship is changing. A big grief is here. A career no longer feels aligned. An old identity has begun to fall away. You’ve done your inner work, yet something deeper is asking for your attention and support + you value attuned guidance and mirroring. 

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Together, we tune in and listen.

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